“Stop. Be afraid. Something is wrong. Give up now.” . This what my PTSD says to me.

I’m scared.

I’m afraid while driving to Bend; something just doesn’t feel right. I look down at my heart monitor – one event.

Im afraid while picking up my bouldering book from a mountain supply store in Bend. I look down at my heart monitor – one event.

While eating lunch, I feel warm, shaky, and unsettled. I look down at my heart monitor – one event.

I go to the Bend Rock Gym, with hope in my heart, knowing this is my “safe place”. I climb route after route after route. I look down at my heart monitor – event, after event, after event.

My PTSD tells me to always be afraid, in any situation, even when there is no logical reasoning.

My PTSD tells me to quit. It reminds me of past surgeries, being cardioverted, and arrhythmias which almost took my life.

My PTSD tells me that I am never safe.

My PTSD tells me that my heart will stop beating.

My PTSD….. only knows lies.

My heart tells me that climbing saved my life.
My heart tells me that there is more joy left to be discovered.

My heart tells me to trust myself, and dissolve fear.

My heart tells me to go to the mountains and find my peace.

I went to the mountains, climbed in altitude, watched the sun set over an alpine lake, while embracing the landscape with the love of my life. …. I looked down, not at my heart monitor, but at my hand holding yours – one memory.

Follow your heart, and face your PTSD by acknowledging that it lies and strips away memories.
I’m glad I followed my heart this weekend, sought adventure, and found myself in another amazing memory with you. Thank you for taking another beautiful photo.
Best,

Molly Hemphill